I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
