dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I see more hoeing in ur future
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