my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
