you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
