I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
