Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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