sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
