I bet he comes in French.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
