Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
