Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
