I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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