there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
