So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
did you just send me my own nude
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
