I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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