I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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