i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
