dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
