i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
