Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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