i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
