I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
