I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
