the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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