So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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