oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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