I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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