Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
