You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
