On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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