he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
