you didnt know i had herpes?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I supernannyed him into submission
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
