Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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