Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wear drunk well.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
