Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
