matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
