Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
In America we eat man semen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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