Will you blow on my dice?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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