Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
