so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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