not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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