Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
