She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
