im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
