Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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