Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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