i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
