I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
