I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
