Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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