sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
