booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
